he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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