you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
