I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Brb crying the tears of my youth
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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