I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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