Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
