At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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