waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
