epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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