Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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