my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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