it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
