He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
