dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
