Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
