I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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