He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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