somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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