yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
