sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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