can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
