Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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