I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
