I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
