would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
