Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
