Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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