We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I woke up under a house in Key West
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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