how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
