When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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