I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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