Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
