I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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