I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
