Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
