I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
