five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
