i would punch a child for taco bell
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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