Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
