i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
