He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He better not be in your backpack
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
