If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
