Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
