dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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