My cat gives me a boner
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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