I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
id be glad to
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
