Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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