i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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