I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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