Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
