In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
