I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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